why i ran, why i run, and why i am still running

I used to play soccer. Yes, I give you permission to laugh. It was quite an experience for awkward fifth grade me. But I guess without it, I never would have found running.

You see, cross country practiced at the same time as soccer, and everyday I watched the runners make laps around the field. It was not in envy. I truthfully was just intrigued...Running as a sport? Who knew.

Let's just say that fast forward one year, and I was one of those kids making laps around the field. I still remember my sixth grade coaches. I still remember running just one mile for meets. I still remember that setting a personal best meant there was a Hershey's Bar with your name on it.

Those were the early days. The beginning. The dipping of my toe in the water.

Seventh grade, I completely fell in. New team. New school. Double the mileage. Harder work that paid off. I placed in the region meet, and running became competitive. Yes, it had always been, but now, that was what my mind focused in on.

So for the next few years, I ran for the competition. I ran in hopes of placing and personal bests. Meets were stressful. Practices were stressful. My nerves turned running into a chore, not a hobby.

Then, the Distance Squad entered my life.

I still remember the trip that I had the "aha" moment, the trip I figured out the true meaning of the jersey I wore once every week.

It was September. My team was running the West TN Classic in Nashville which meant a bus ride and hotel stay. The trip was similar to most cross country outings: sleepy after-school bus ride, team bonding at night, pep talk from Coach, extreme nerves the morning of the race, a hot 3.1 mile run.

And the bus ride home.

It's funny. I have no earthly idea how that race went for me, but I will tell you I do remember my closest running friends deciding to crawl to the back of the bus. I remember sitting down in a space just big enough for us to make a circle. I remember someone pulling out cards, and another turning on a speaker. I remember the phone being passed around as we each queued up a song to play. I remember connecting over unknown shared music tastes while embracing the random bops here and there. I remember a very competitive game of ERS and laughing so loudly we got stares from the other teammates trying to sleep...I apologize but have no regrets.

By the time we reached the parking lot, we did not want to leave. That's when we knew...Or at least I knew: I run for my team. For these girls. For the hours I get to spend with them.

The competition is always a part of it, yes. But rather than running being a competition all of the time, I realized it's a competition in which every girl wearing that blue and white jersey works with each other to get better and ultimately beat those other schools.

Yes, even cross country and track are team sports.

That was what the rest of sophomore year taught me. I grew closer to a group of girls on the team, later to be called the Distance Squad. Cheesy, I know. But I love them.

At this point, you may be wondering why not stop here. Okay we get it, the team–not winning–is everything. Blah Blah Blah.

But no, I can't. I'm sorry if I am boring you, but that would be too simple.

You see, as the Distance Squad got closer, we also got better. (Thanks Coach J!) Sophomore track season brought new records, and times were going down. The distance relay made it to state for the first time in so long! I guess sometimes winning can be everything.

So going into junior cross country season, I felt this pressure. My nerves were starting up again. And while they had never truly gone away (because races are nerve-wracking), practices started to get stressful again.

It didn't make sense to me. I had a super supportive team and coach. In fact, we were more bonded than ever (Coach made sure of that). We had a freaking team sleepover at a retreat center! We always rooted each other on during races. We high-fived each other after practice. And still, that pressure never seemed to go away.

And then I got injured. Funny how being stressed and getting injured correlate like that. I missed the last half of the season. I did not get to run at state. I was not super happy.

Leading up to track, I worked to recover with the help of my coaches. Still, as track season began, I felt behind. It did not matter how many times my coach told me that I was in a good spot, considering the injury, in my brain, I was not where I "should" be. The stress came back. The nerves came back. And on top of everything, third quarter left me sleep deprived and anxious about school.

All of these thoughts kept circling my mind until I asked myself...Why am I running in the first place?

My initial answer was the team. That will always be an answer in my mind. However, part of the answer needed to be because I, Chloé Webster, loved it. But with the current pressure I was putting on myself, I did not. In fact, I was starting to dread it.

And so one afternoon before practice I found myself sitting with my coach debating whether or not to quit...Quit a sport I had been committed to since the sixth grade. Since one mile races and Hershey's Chocolate Bars.

Well, the short version of the story is I didn't. But the long version is the why.

My track coach told me to take a week off. Run on my own. Think.

During this time I did think, but I also talked to my cross country coach. After a very real conversation and a few tears, she sent me this article. I encourage any runner reading this to read it. Honestly, even if you are not a runner read it. If nothing at all, read the last three paragraphs.

Yes, there are parts that don't apply to my life because I have always been lucky enough to have such an incredible team and support system. However, there are parts that really made me think...And come to a realization.

A little bit of pressure is normal, but not the kind that makes you want to quit something you love: I needed to fix my mindset...

I run for my team, but I also run for myself. Not for the medals that will end up in a box somewhere, but rather for the experience.

I run for that feeling of feet hitting the pavement on a sunny day and waves exchanged from neighbors.

I run for after practice high-fives, early morning oatmeal parties, and Nashville trips.

I run for Saturday long runs in October when the air is crisp and for the half marathon that first weekend of December when the roar of St. Jude love and passion is palpable in Downtown Memphis.

I run for post-run brunch and coffee because we all know runners love their food.

I (still) run for the competition because any runner would be kidding if they said they didn't.

I run for the girls who run with me every practice and race and the coaches leading us on.

I run for the days that I could keep going after five miles and the days I have to stop at two. For the days when my legs burn and the days when my shins ache. For the days I stumble over a finish line with my heart beat in my ears, knowing that if I didn't PR, at least I tried my best.

I run knowing each run will not be perfect. And that is why I am still running.

So I end here with this: do what you love, but also remember you need to love what you do. Sometimes, it does require stopping the thing, but most often it is a mindset switch that can make the biggest difference.